Three writers on identity and the challenges of being yourself
“In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.” — Erik Erikson
Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered who that person was staring back at you? If so, you’re not alone. As three writers on Medium discuss, discovering who we are is more complex than looking in the mirror.
It’s Okay to Have Multiple Identities
I am a wife, sister, aunt, daughter, niece, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, friend, dog-and-cat mom, therapy dog handler, employee, consultant, instructor, and possibly a few others I’m forgetting. In each of these roles, I am a slightly different person. In essence, these roles are constructed through an implicit agreement with the people on the other side, whether they be parents, siblings, spouses, friends, bosses or any number of other people with whom we share some type of relationship.
As Niklas Göke explains, this construction is known as “identity negotiation,” a theory developed by sociologist Erving Goffman. Goffman proposed that we adopt particular identities in response to our various relationships, as each comes with its own “mutually agreed-upon, identity-based code of conduct.”
Through this process of identity negotiation, we can feel like different people in different situations. This is natural given that it’s impossible to be all things to all people. Göke shares research pointing to the protective factor of identity negotiation. By fulfilling certain roles in certain situations, we may feel more connected to others and experience a greater sense of meaning in our lives. But first, we must be comfortable in our roles.
When we try to change who we are to please other people, to take on the identity they’d prefer we have, the protective factor gives way to potential conflict, namely within ourselves. Identity negotiation doesn’t imply willing participation in a role that violates who we perceive ourselves to be at our core.
The Lifelong Struggle To Be Yourself
Who we are beneath all the roles we play can be difficult to discern. As Larry G. Maguire explains, the question of what it means to be ourselves can be difficult to answer given the familial and social pressures to be a certain way. For example, Maguire asks us to consider the clothes and toys parents buy for their children or the TV shows they allow them to watch. Those small choices can influence how individual identities form.
The effect spills over into school and society at large. Think about school kids and the pressure to “fit in,” which doesn’t end with high school. We’re barraged with advertisements selling products designed to make us somehow better than we are now. Whether it’s a luxury car or shampoo that removes the gray, we are led to believe that using these products will change us and how others see us.
We are shaped by forces external to us, but as Maguire writes —
“…beneath these outer layers of personal identity, there is something subtle, quiet, and unidentifiable.”
What he calls the “creative self” is juxtaposed against the “ideological self,” the person we try to be to please others. Quoting George Bernard Shaw, Maguire encourages us to focus less on the search to find ourselves and more on the opportunity to create ourselves.
The Masks We Wear (Or Should)
How do we go about creating ourselves when we’re not sure who we really are? Alecia Kennedy asks us to consider how masks can help us both find and express who we are at our core.
While the idea of wearing a mask is often associated with trying to be someone we’re not, Kennedy presents a different way of looking at masks, ala the TV show, “The Masked Singer.” Contestants are celebrities dressed in outrageous costumes that cover them completely. The judges must guess the identity of these cloaked celebrities based on nothing more than what they choose to say or sing.
Since not all contestants are expert singers, the show is less about the best singer and more about the fun of figuring out who is behind the mask. As Kennedy writes, the mask eliminates presumptions that may have arisen had we known who was behind the mask. She notes the irony of being able to “…see the singers more clearly by not seeing them.”
Without the benefit of knowing who’s in front of us, all expectations fall away. This works in our favor by allowing us to be freer in our interactions with others. The fears we may have about being judged by others for what we say or what we wear, for example, disappear behind a mask.
As Kennedy notes, it’s unlikely we’re all going to don giant goofy masks to remake ourselves or feel comfortable with who we are, but we can adopt our own costume that’s invisible to others — the costume of ourselves, whoever that might be.
We might even create different costumes for the different roles we play. Or a costume that deflects the pressures of society to be a certain way.
Somewhere beneath the roles and the pressures and the ill-fitting masks we may force ourselves to wear, there is an essence that belongs to only us. But don’t kill yourself trying to figure out exactly who and what that essence is. Instead, try on a new mask and see how it feels.
Only you can create you. But the more you force an “authentic” version of yourself, the further from yourself you may become.
Originally published in Top 3 on Medium on November 4, 2019.